Why I Want to Graduate ASAP

I want to be left alone only for the sake of being alone because I want to be grateful of all the attention I started to despise.

Is it still too early to ask for that?


Hollow, Sorrow

I don’t know how to start talking about the unknown, because I got confused all the same. I’ve got struck by the death of a friend of mine, if I’m permitted to call her my friend and if she happened to consider me as her friend, which occurred so suddenly, that until this moment I still think that she’s only taking a vacation to far away place without telling all of her acquaintances beforehand. It’s like, I still think that she will be back soon enough. I’m still so sure that she will.

Her name is Fanka. I barely knew her. First time I knew she exist is when A showed me a picture of her in his camera, telling me that Fanka is her junior who is the one being called the prettiest in Ocean Engineering ITB 2009, and indeed, she is pretty. First time I get to know her is when she’s in the same committee division with A. The deepest connection I’ve built with her are perhaps the Trawangan holiday moment just a month ago, and when we went karaoke with A and two other friends from the Ocean Engineering course. I don’t know whether she realized it or not that I stared at her a lot, because she’s very pretty, has a very beautiful smile (it makes me happy that she smiled a lot) with really cute dimples on her cheek right at both corner of her lips. She’s very pretty, I can’t say it enough, and she didn’t even have to try hard to look that pretty. Oh and she’s a Cancer, and me being a person who believes at horoscope compatibility a bit too much always wish to have a very close Cancer friend, I really wish I had the chance to get to know her a lot more, I really regret that I didn’t have a big heart to approach her first. As everyone already knows from the news and media, she died from rafting accident after gone missing for 3 days. The news shocked everyone, because no one would have predicted such accident, not a single person would have thought a person as young as she is, as friendly as she is, would go so soon. I saw it with my own eyes, that her friends who happened to be my friends too, such strong, carefree and happy-go-lucky group of boys, could even shed tears from their eyes which filled with such deep sadness and grief for her dead. It broke my heart to pieces.

Then I remember about the death of another friend of mine, not a very close one, but assuredly a very kind one, whom I get acquainted with at the middle of 2009 when we happened to be in the same division in a ‘penerimaan mahasiswa baru‘ event at our campus. We never talked much, never hanged around much, but one thing I remember most about her is that every time we meet, she always pinched me on the cheek quite hard while calling my name “Aleeeexxx” enthusiastically, and then hugged me. It’s… very sweet. She died from brain concussion, after earlier having a coma, because she fell from metromini when she went to meet her friends in a mall in Jakarta. One of her friends that she intended to meet is one of my very close friend. She died around June or July 2011. Her name is Ariyanni, Planologi ITB 2008.

Just few days ago, I had a chat with one of my best friend, talking about how death became so meaningful because it slowly happened to the people that we knew quite much. It’s not like I never experienced the death of my relatives, I had, the death of both of my grandmothers, my nanny who took care of me since I was a baby until I was in senior high school, my close aunt. It’s just at those time, death wasn’t seem to be that mysterious, that somewhat it was predictable. Someone’s getting old, sick, and then died just in time. Not when someone still got so much passion for their lives. Not when lot of people still hold a tight grip for their presence. Not to a person you just met a week ago, giving you a small cute cigarette she found accidentally with her usual smile. Not to a person who you failed to hang around with only two days before she went missing just because the aptness of time.

It would be too selfish not wanting to just let go, because I bet they’re more happy now for they had live a very good life where they succeeded to touch not only the superficial, but so many hearts. It reminded me how I’m still very far from perfect and how lucky I am to still have time to make my life more meaningful not just to me, but to everyone I hold dear. I hope my time is still much, and just enough.

Please rest in peace, Ari, Fanka, because you’ll be missed by many.

At the Chime of a City Clock

Though going out with my family sucks more than Indonesian drama series do, the bright side is I have a lot of time to think (and frown).

But I would give up the time to think if only I could see you, for as long as 10 minutes only, let alone grab a lunch together.

I don’t even mind that much of  my unableness to smoke any fag, though it kills me.

Ada apa ini. Mau gila. Gak masuk akal.


I’m amazed by life cruelty. By human being’s misdeed. By the confusion the life caused me. By the person I’ve become for the way life treated me.

Where the fuck I’ve been these last 19 years?
What the hell was I doing?
Who was I?
Who am I?
What is this all about?

It’s either I have really great parents or I’ve always been awfully naïve. But no, my family isn’t the greatest when I even hate one of them so much back then.

I don’t understand. I can’t understand a single bit of it. I don’t want to, ever.

Young Blood

Why don’t we stop being a person who reduce the joy of happiness by keeping the worries about when these happiness will end?

We’re only young once.
Why don’t we let ourselves falling in love real deep, putting hopes real high, getting hurt real hard, having trust issues for some moments, then be thankful for all the experiences?

We all realize that the wisest and kindest people are the one whose having the hardest time.
I won’t mind having another one, better not, but no I won’t mind.

Happy now, worry later, regret never.. Alas, I’m fucking scared, who am I trying to fool here.

Coming Up Expectation

Am I not supposed to act mature because I will no longer be teen, and got to use this short remaining time to drain all the useless emotion I shouldn’t feel when I’m 20?

Or am I supposed to act mature because I will no longer be teen, in order to get ready to be left alone with responsibilities for self when I’m 20? While that only if I care that much not to get bad opinion whenever I act arbitrarily, of which that I used to give to people who have trouble with controlling their emotions, behind their curtains of course, that I only shared with myself or the dearest people who brilliant (or pengangguran) enough to read my mind.

I need to call this into question because suddenly I feel like 6 again, with the unusual languishing for this one presence, that I cannot help but to cry every time we talked on phone, that it kills me not to hear any news from the presence, and even to have thoughts that we’re apart could shed me some tears before I fall asleep at night. The presence used to be my old man when he worked outside the city, but time passes and life changes, I don’t love daughterly no more but youthly crammed unusual fondness of mi amor.