Lost #2

Or am I not strayed?
Am I supposed to wander, directionless, because now that I’m finally unrestrained from the self-inflicted burdens and those¬†strangling thoughts involving other people’s joy, I gain my rights to travel wherever my heart desires?

If life is vast and ever-expanding, giving me the world to look up to,
for what reason should I find my way back?

Intertwine

As each place is giving us each of their own memories, making others seem less significant at times yet equally important, should I feel guilty for constantly reminiscing, making memories that I currently form seems less significant?

Should I, want you to feel guilty of memories we currently form?

Is it cruel to feel guilty, as it selfishly intended to erase the rest of the memories, apart from what we and only we have together?

The memories we make, they, are memories so important to be currently significant,
but do they have to be the only one?

Maha, Atma

For as long as I remember I never had much ambition in my life except getting lost in a faraway land, being able to drive a plane (which I still really want to achieve), or the biggest ambition that I am able to recall is, how I want to make everybody around me to be always happy with no exception for anybody. I want to die when at least I can be compared with Mother Teresa, or Gandhi, or Princess Diana, except that I’m always too shy so I don’t really want the world to mourn my death or anybody to remember me for centuries.

It was foolish.

Being too concerned with other people is still what I am, except when it gets too laborious and exhausting it hits me that I don’t have enough potential to reach my ambition. It makes me angry almost all the time because I realize regardless of my intention somebody will poison me to death or assassinate me at the end because no one, could ever, satisfy every single person at the same time.

What I want to achieve is not even good because it’s stupid, and it’s absurd, and it’s not a bit feasible, but I still can’t stop being angry because stop giving a fuck at everything is fucking difficult it hurts.

Ask Me Again, I Would Mind

I’ve been asked by someone currently important to me, by the change of something good that happened recently. He said,¬†‘Are you intimidated?’

Seeing from his point of view, I know it was intended to be a joke to tease me, and I, trying to do a good job at my role, was playing angry. But apart from whether or not it made me angry for real, somehow long before anyone asked me about that question, I already have the answer.

‘Yes, I am.’

Well, to be fair, how could not I feel that way for I’ve been living in my golden cage for too long? Before I get to see dirt, so to speak, and meet various kind of people, all I know was I’m safe with my beautiful little family. Drinking hot homemade milk before going to school, playing fun games with my kind friends, going back home all tired and get to eat my mother’s tasty cooking, studying for tomorrow’s lesson, and going to bed early in peace without having to worry about anything. Not even love because until now I still think that horizontal love makes people get old faster. Of course it was really boring, now knowing all of the excitement, and ups, and downs, and tears, and joy that I’ve experienced since the lock of my golden cage has been opened up. But the golden bars with smears of diamond shone too bright that I didn’t even get to see the chance to be acquainted with this so-called boring. I was completely fine, because I know nothing about hardness more than fight between siblings or the sadness of temporary inability to go to school because I had such high fever. Then it appears that the outside sun shines brighter.

Yes, I am completely intimidated.

Though actually I can’t really differ the sense of curiosity, anxiety, jealousy, admiration, apprehension, and intimidation. It kinds of fusing into one big hammer that makes my heart pounds faster and faster, filling my head with never-ending questions, while I got no one to ask because out from the golden cage, I’ve realized that I have to stand alone. I don’t even know until now, is it good, or is it bad? Does it really have to happen sooner or later? Do I have to feel this old at my early 20s? Do I just act like I feel old? Who are these people? Did I have a choice? Was I actually given the option not to but I chose to do it anyway? Which is good? Is it better not to know anything from the first place, rather than knowing something only to realize that I know nothing?