A Peek

Staying in a family’s house, finally starting to get bored, I went outside to have a sip or two of my little oxygen. More or less 100 mm in length, a small cylinder of finely cut poisons rolled in thin paper that was my foe until at last, I do not know, three years ago or so it became one of the very loyal company while I was destroying every inch of my youth, my innocence. Though strangely, after a few huffs, it tasted disgusting, my head ached, my tongue didn’t feel right, and due to stomach problem I tend to get every time I consume this particular mint candy, I didn’t have any of them with me to console the inner part of my mouth. So much trouble for just a little unsatisfying moment I tried to steal tonight. 

Bought a pack four days ago, more than a half still left, considering that my boyfriend even took some.

Trivialities

I hate it when I’m really happy because I know it won’t last and I hate it when I’m really sad because it feels like forever while I’m okay with content. In fact, I’m ready to build a steady long-term relationship with content because I just figured out by how to be in it.

And now I’ve produced too much love because I’m proud with my achievement of solving problems but I feel like exploding because I don’t know where I can share the love to. If it looks normal I would gladly kiss every person I meet while wishing it would solve their problems.

Cheap? You may say so if it makes you happy. But I prefer spreading the love because it sounds better.

String Bean Cigarette

So I just got back from a lovely holiday with lovely friends and lover in a small island with amazingly beautiful beach named Gili Trawangan. If  years before I could confidently say that Bandung is my favorite place in Indonesia, I couldn’t say it now for I’ve fallen in love real deep with every corner of this particular beach. The sand, the sea, the sun, the wind, the cheap inn, the food, the lassy, the turtle, the colorful fishes, the rainy weather, the party at different bar almost every night, the haram stuffs, the stability and lack of conflicts, the friendly foreigners and local people, the loneliness, the everything.

I don’t want to stay there for the rest of my life, that almost definitely, but I’ve promised myself to travel back to Trawangan one day at the future again and again and again and again, alone or not, with the same friends or not, but being hopelessly romantic, I wish to be back with the same love I had just last week.

Being pissed for the apathy, but still, never wanted to go home and missing it so much every second it’s not there.

Brunt Release

So last week I had an unplanned sleepover at one of my college best friend’s house (I somehow have to differ them from my junior high best friends, just because they give me.. different benefits?). It’s the follow-up rendezvous from the promised lunch meeting because it seems like we haven’t satisfied ourselves from our longing for each other. Aw.

Few weeks before it I was having serious trouble with my personality, insecurity, me being socially needy, and how I never feel satisfied of the presence of my boyfriend. Long story short, I was crushed, and I cannot see that it is anybody’s fault but mine. By that sleepover time, I was still in my attempt to heal and maturing myself, until now, actually, so I cannot stop my self from being such a whining whore telling stories to anyone possible after earlier analyzing if they’re potentially judiciary.

Still, I’m a really really insecure bitch like a cat who gets suspicious with everyone that takes a step closer to her, even when that person holds good intention like giving her food or a soft pat on the head, even, if it means I have to stay hungry for the lack of my skill to take care of myself or I have to spend the night sleeping in coldness without anyone’s caress on my thin fur. Better safe than sorry, I always thought, plus I always hate to see judgmental eyes. I know they are my friends and just a little harm that they could to me, but I simply cannot help it when it comes to the purpose of showing my true self. Having known that all of this is one of my many weaknesses, I finally pushed myself to try at least a bit, to opened up.

Then I had this little chitchat while having the first cigar that night with this one particular friend, the only one who smokes (besides me) in the party of the sleepover. At that time,  freakishly all of my complaints, fears, insecurities, blasted off from my mind and brain like an acute diarrhea, so briefly I barely had a chance to grab a pill of Norit and the last thing I know is my brain has empty.

To be frank, he’s not the first person that I dare to tell my feelings to. There’s already a few numbers of people, who would listen to me whenever I needed someone to talk to. Some volunteered themselves, some just trapped from being a friend that I could reach easily, all of them are really, really nice people, and as I write this post, I blame myself more for being unbelievably ungrateful. How could I still dare to feel lonely?

But then I realized, that is the whole problem. They were being too nice that I couldn’t see my flaws clearly. And this  particular friend, as I lament my heart’s trouble, still could see and shove the facts that I’m selfish, needy, immature, coward, obscure, and having too much assumptions, down to my throat. And did I see him with hatred then?

Non. I fucking grinned and said to myself, how could I not do this earlier? This is exactly what I always need.

Even after saying all that, he said to me what a friend should really mean. It is not to fucking tell me what to do or not to do, it is to show me which action shall I choose when I want to do something, even if it is obviously morally wrong or just personally wrong. Cheesy and common saying it is, very endearing to have it said straight only to me nonetheless.

Doesn’t change me into total secure persona who gives dramatic stories of her life to every living people she knows for free, but at least it gives me courage to keep trying and not running from whatever life problems I have.

Owing it to my newest trash can. :)

Hypocritical

As much as I said I hate it when my mind is being too active, which happened like every holiday when I have barely anything to do but sleep.
I also love it to bits, being in this state.

Makes me feel like I know myself better.
Makes me feel like I give myself a chance not to be that pitiful.
Makes me feel like I respect and love myself more, which makes me love others properly, without them having too much of me and having the need to reject me, which makes me hate others less.

Doesn’t everyone just love holiday?