Too Much, Too Young, Too Fast

What is death?

How can we make it less painful when it happens to people we hold so dear in our hearts?

How can I make my closest people less hurted when the ordeal falls on them?

I want to understand because I know none of us can avoid it. But, God, I am scared, I am worried, that I can never understand for I am at loss for words trying my best to comfort my best friend for her loss, that myself will not have the strength to get through it when my turn to lose comes.

But will it be better for me to hope that I will be the only one to feel such deep sadness and not my loved ones, or selfishly, secretly hoping that I will depart before my loved ones only because I cannot stand the thought of losing them first?

God, I do not know.

God, please protect her always in Your embrace.

God, please let Ical rest in peace, and make them love each other eternally in another life.

Of Loving Unselfishly

The thing about having a heartbreak is, when I feel sad, sometimes it’s hard to differ do I feel sad of losing the person or losing the love. So I have these following arguments in my head.

For the love, really obvious how disappointing it is, to lose something that you’ve tried really hard to guard (not to gain, because, you know, to gain love is somewhat based on one’s personal fortune and I consider myself really lucky to have experienced the love of someone I love equally), it’s really obvious how hard the reality slaps that in the end someone always stops trying regardless how beautiful the journey seems to you. That in the end you have to accept you ended up having a different value of the relationship. And it makes every sense, to feel sad of losing the love.

But for the person, technically, you never really lose him/her. They’re always there. Living in a same place, having usual lunch in the usual canteen, hanging out with the usual friends, wearing the clothes they usually wear, smoking their usual favorite brand of cigarette, playing the typical game that they usually love, having the usual strange family that you’ve grown to love too. They never change, except that you’re no longer the person they constantly meet or call or text or think about. So there’s actually no exact reason why you should feel sad of losing the person.

At some points, I’m not proudly admitting that I’ve been so angry about losing the love. I hated my significant other, I hated myself, and I hated the world because I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do anymore to fix things, and just because I have a bad temper (I’m a spoiled little bitch of a daughter, and I’m a Sumatran, so give me a break?). But the thought always comes to me in the end, how foolish it may sound, about how I know best that I love the person so much. That usual sincere smile that I’ve never fallen out of love with, how blissful to know that the person having it everyday instead of the frown that makes his eyebrows furrowed, even of course, I’m not able to see it. Then I stop being angry immediately, just imagining things that way.

Now you see, my dearest sunbeam, I never lied when I said I want you to be always happy.

o