I never knew that you were this kind of person.
I miss you. I didn’t even know you.
“Writing is a struggle against silence.“
— Carlos Fuentes
I want to shut my ears of things I don’t want to hear. Act blind of things I don’t want to see.
Not that I prefer being lied to.
It’s just everyday I’m getting more and more afraid of almost anything.
Now playing on repeat.
Always, always reminds me of how much I love you.
Like si limbung (just because I tend to lose my balance easier than any other people I know, I even often stumbled by my own foot), tako (just because I rarely combed my hair so my head looked like an octopus), lidi (just because I’m always too skinny for own good), cina (really, my middle name is all to blame), moonbeam (just because.. actually I never really know why), and many other nicknames I can’t recall that make me feel closer to the people that giving them to me. It’s like, they’re sparing their time paying attention to details, thus giving me a reason to be slightly happier. :)
Always being too sentimental about things I got from other people, I cried myself the last 3 days because I couldn’t find the CD case containing the Le Fabuleux Destin d‘Amélie Poulain film that I got on my 19th birthday from the mighty Corporal deadpatriarch_07 with cute handwritten note that is not the like of him for most of the time :p, anywhere in my room. Moreover yesterday I just got a tiger hat (with eyes! and tail!) also from him that made me even sadder because I lost his previous gift. The sadness even greater than when I lost my cellphone couple of times as an irresponsible teenager or when I lost my bag along with my wallet, iPod, and my always-complete-and-tidy lecture notes for the current semester only two days before the hardest exam. Inane material things, I always think, that when I lose some I’ll definitely gain some more which always makes me always able to keep my cool every time I lose my belongings.
But the case is different when it comes to things that people gave to me with consideration that I’ll like it very much, especially when I didn’t ask for it, or especially when the person who gave it was the least expected (I’m sorry but it’s a good thing that I don’t expect much from you, no?). I cried from thinking that I couldn’t see it anymore, and that I didn’t want to lie about losing the gift but I also didn’t want to see his disappointed face, and that I could never get an exact similar gift anymore. I couldn’t even sleep well (or is it because of the fever?).
Fortunately after fighting with my little brother for him being a bad roommate placing papers and clothes haphazardly all over the room that boosted my stress level and seemingly endless searching inside my older brother’s stacks of PC games, PS2 games, movie DVDs (which incinerated my desire to have my own place, greater than ever), I finally found the CD case along with my unwatched Star Wars DVDs that has been disappeared for months! Yeay! So happy! I promise I won’t lose it again!
Now please excuse me because I need to continue my pilgrimage to be a better girlfriend for I still got a long way to go to meet the Force.