I’ve been asked by someone currently important to me, by the change of something good that happened recently. He said, ‘Are you intimidated?’
Seeing from his point of view, I know it was intended to be a joke to tease me, and I, trying to do a good job at my role, was playing angry. But apart from whether or not it made me angry for real, somehow long before anyone asked me about that question, I already have the answer.
‘Yes, I am.’
Well, to be fair, how could not I feel that way for I’ve been living in my golden cage for too long? Before I get to see dirt, so to speak, and meet various kind of people, all I know was I’m safe with my beautiful little family. Drinking hot homemade milk before going to school, playing fun games with my kind friends, going back home all tired and get to eat my mother’s tasty cooking, studying for tomorrow’s lesson, and going to bed early in peace without having to worry about anything. Not even love because until now I still think that horizontal love makes people get old faster. Of course it was really boring, now knowing all of the excitement, and ups, and downs, and tears, and joy that I’ve experienced since the lock of my golden cage has been opened up. But the golden bars with smears of diamond shone too bright that I didn’t even get to see the chance to be acquainted with this so-called boring. I was completely fine, because I know nothing about hardness more than fight between siblings or the sadness of temporary inability to go to school because I had such high fever. Then it appears that the outside sun shines brighter.
Yes, I am completely intimidated.
Though actually I can’t really differ the sense of curiosity, anxiety, jealousy, admiration, apprehension, and intimidation. It kinds of fusing into one big hammer that makes my heart pounds faster and faster, filling my head with never-ending questions, while I got no one to ask because out from the golden cage, I’ve realized that I have to stand alone. I don’t even know until now, is it good, or is it bad? Does it really have to happen sooner or later? Do I have to feel this old at my early 20s? Do I just act like I feel old? Who are these people? Did I have a choice? Was I actually given the option not to but I chose to do it anyway? Which is good? Is it better not to know anything from the first place, rather than knowing something only to realize that I know nothing?