Lyrics of the Day

I cheated myself.
Like I knew I would.
I told you, I was troubled.
You know that I’m no good

— Amy Winehouse’s You Know I’m No Good

Because at some point I must count my every blessing, realizing that I’m just nothing but ordinary.

Troubled in the mind, for only a little bit.
Sottish, almost kind, for only a little while.
Doing bad, thinking bad, more often than not.

Because I’m no different from what you are, and you’re no different from what I am.
I’m just a little worse.

Hollow, Sorrow

I don’t know how to start talking about the unknown, because I got confused all the same. I’ve got struck by the death of a friend of mine, if I’m permitted to call her my friend and if she happened to consider me as her friend, which occurred so suddenly, that until this moment I still think that she’s only taking a vacation to far away place without telling all of her acquaintances beforehand. It’s like, I still think that she will be back soon enough. I’m still so sure that she will.

Her name is Fanka. I barely knew her. First time I knew she exist is when A showed me a picture of her in his camera, telling me that Fanka is her junior who is the one being called the prettiest in Ocean Engineering ITB 2009, and indeed, she is pretty. First time I get to know her is when she’s in the same committee division with A. The deepest connection I’ve built with her are perhaps the Trawangan holiday moment just a month ago, and when we went karaoke with A and two other friends from the Ocean Engineering course. I don’t know whether she realized it or not that I stared at her a lot, because she’s very pretty, has a very beautiful smile (it makes me happy that she smiled a lot) with really cute dimples on her cheek right at both corner of her lips. She’s very pretty, I can’t say it enough, and she didn’t even have to try hard to look that pretty. Oh and she’s a Cancer, and me being a person who believes at horoscope compatibility a bit too much always wish to have a very close Cancer friend, I really wish I had the chance to get to know her a lot more, I really regret that I didn’t have a big heart to approach her first. As everyone already knows from the news and media, she died from rafting accident after gone missing for 3 days. The news shocked everyone, because no one would have predicted such accident, not a single person would have thought a person as young as she is, as friendly as she is, would go so soon. I saw it with my own eyes, that her friends who happened to be my friends too, such strong, carefree and happy-go-lucky group of boys, could even shed tears from their eyes which filled with such deep sadness and grief for her dead. It broke my heart to pieces.

Then I remember about the death of another friend of mine, not a very close one, but assuredly a very kind one, whom I get acquainted with at the middle of 2009 when we happened to be in the same division in a ‘penerimaan mahasiswa baru‘ event at our campus. We never talked much, never hanged around much, but one thing I remember most about her is that every time we meet, she always pinched me on the cheek quite hard while calling my name “Aleeeexxx” enthusiastically, and then hugged me. It’s… very sweet. She died from brain concussion, after earlier having a coma, because she fell from metromini when she went to meet her friends in a mall in Jakarta. One of her friends that she intended to meet is one of my very close friend. She died around June or July 2011. Her name is Ariyanni, Planologi ITB 2008.

Just few days ago, I had a chat with one of my best friend, talking about how death became so meaningful because it slowly happened to the people that we knew quite much. It’s not like I never experienced the death of my relatives, I had, the death of both of my grandmothers, my nanny who took care of me since I was a baby until I was in senior high school, my close aunt. It’s just at those time, death wasn’t seem to be that mysterious, that somewhat it was predictable. Someone’s getting old, sick, and then died just in time. Not when someone still got so much passion for their lives. Not when lot of people still hold a tight grip for their presence. Not to a person you just met a week ago, giving you a small cute cigarette she found accidentally with her usual smile. Not to a person who you failed to hang around with only two days before she went missing just because the aptness of time.

It would be too selfish not wanting to just let go, because I bet they’re more happy now for they had live a very good life where they succeeded to touch not only the superficial, but so many hearts. It reminded me how I’m still very far from perfect and how lucky I am to still have time to make my life more meaningful not just to me, but to everyone I hold dear. I hope my time is still much, and just enough.

Please rest in peace, Ari, Fanka, because you’ll be missed by many.