I Give Myself A Bad Name

Few days ago, not nearly a week, I took a close look at myself in the mirror showing the resemblance of me, head to toe. Had a detail inspection. It was nothing narcissistic, it’s just have been so long since the last time I’m doing it. From the appearance, small amount of things changed, like piercings, not-so-messy anymore hair, and bigger thighs (yikes, I know). Other than those, everything’s barely changed. Still the not so big Caucasian-like thing standing and looks stupid.

But those were only things that appeared from naked eyes, because from what I’ve known of myself, many, many things have changed.

No need to mention the details, my closest one would know where’s the difference. Though they wouldn’t know it all, oh you have no idea. Which sometimes brings me to pause from life just to think, what the fuck am I doing? Not a long pause, because I know it would never matter how hard I’m willing to try to remember where the changes began, I could never track the starting point for it happened too fast it almost feels like I’m dreaming.

It isn’t seldom I found myself preoccupied, violently dazed and have weird feeling that I’ve lived for too long that it no longer has any meaning, or clear purpose. Life’s been too confusing and demanding a lot of things from just one creature though so it called the most perfect creature that God ever created for the feelings and the brain which I found wasn’t so useful anymore. I mean, come on, I never feel dumber than this.

I am, you can say, pretty lost. And with all due self-esteem, here I am hungered of helping hands. Thank you.

Led Astray

It’s not that I need to write this.
It’s not that You didn’t hear me when I talked to myself.
It’s not that You won’t find out even if I never talk about this.

It is just, I want to convince and remind myself, if this is the life that You trust in me,
I will always know You won’t ever let me leave you,
won’t ever let me be less faithful to You,
won’t ever let me think You love me less for I am a sinner.

Amen. In the name of Allah, the beneficent the merciful.

Pessimism

They say that rather than  cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don’t mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.

George Carlin, in When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops?, which I’m currently reading to kill time. Borrowed it from an ex who just as sarcastic as Carlin, I think. I love the book and curious about his video. Too bad watching him stand-up comedy-ing live is not possible anymore because he died in 2008 because of heart failure.