The world is huge. To live only in one not-too-big city for 17 years, to be secluded for most of my school life, to get through my college life in the university that has most interesting culture in Indonesia (subjectively from my opinion, but I presume you won’t be disagree), and to conversant with the most queer-personality people, make me realized that what I have achieved before now is violently insignificant. Rough saying, it was all just a tiny dot.
Cannot stop being amazed. Cannot stop muttering “Alhamdulillah” every time the thought of being alive struck my consciousness. Cannot stop hoping the most terrible scene will happen in my life, so I can feel incredibly happy, like now.
He on his side
Leaning half-raised, with looks of cordial love
Hung over her enamored
— Milton, from the Collaborative International Dictionary of English, as I was looking for definitions of ‘love’
DON’T wear make-up.
Don’t wear your hair long.
Don’t wear short skirts.
Don’t wear high heels.
Don’t wear light fitting clothes.
Don’t look sexy.
Don’t bat your eyelashes.
Don’t crack dirty jokes.
Don’t smile at strangers.
Don’t offer help to strangers.
Don’t go out at night.
Don’t go to parties.
Don’t go on dates.
Don’t go anywhere alone.
Don’t attract attention.
Don’t work late.
Don’t trust anyone.
Don’t say yes.
Don’t say no.
Don’t be a woman.
— note from one of my old t-shirt that I don’t even remember where I got it from
Don’t exist. I like don’t exist. Not in the term of never been born, but the freedom to take a walk all alone in strange places and not forcing yourself to smile to everyone around. That is why I love going to the airport, dressed up fancy, and enjoy the feeling of ‘I am different but why would you care’.
Laugh with irony.
I was joking, haha. Sure you’ll meet someone better. Way prettier, brighter, and patient enough. Just remember not to be too harsh.
Well I wish we both have a good live then, in separate ways.
A bar of fag. At last. For seeing that it is paralyzed, I’ll die, you’ll live.
Either way would be just fine for there is no crossroads, I’ll live, you’ll live.
I hope but cannot see the possibilities of I’ll die, you’ll die. For knowing the border’s too thick and the ocean’s too deep.