Hollow, Sorrow
Posted: February 18, 2012 Filed under: Heartbreak, The Life's, Walking Dead | Tags: Angelina Yofanka, Ariyanni, R.I.P. 2 Comments »I don’t know how to start talking about the unknown, because I got confused all the same. I’ve got struck by the death of a friend of mine, if I’m permitted to call her my friend and if she happened to consider me as her friend, which occurred so suddenly, that until this moment I still think that she’s only taking a vacation to far away place without telling all of her acquaintances beforehand. It’s like, I still think that she will be back soon enough. I’m still so sure that she will.
Her name is Fanka. I barely knew her. First time I knew she exist is when A showed me a picture of her in his camera, telling me that Fanka is her junior who is the one being called the prettiest in Ocean Engineering ITB 2009, and indeed, she is pretty. First time I get to know her is when she’s in the same committee division with A. The deepest connection I’ve built with her are perhaps the Trawangan holiday moment just a month ago, and when we went karaoke with A and two other friends from the Ocean Engineering course. I don’t know whether she realized it or not that I stared at her a lot, because she’s very pretty, has a very beautiful smile (it makes me happy that she smiled a lot) with really cute dimples on her cheek right at both corner of her lips. She’s very pretty, I can’t say it enough, and she didn’t even have to try hard to look that pretty. Oh and she’s a Cancer, and me being a person who believe at horoscope compatibility a bit too much always wish to have a very close Cancer friend, I really wish I had the chance to get to know her a lot more, I really regret that I didn’t have a big heart to approach her first. As everyone already knows from the news and media, she died from rafting accident after missing for 3 days. The news shocked everyone, because no one would have predicted such accident, not a single person would have thought a person as young as she is, as friendly as she is, would go so soon. I saw it with my own eyes, that her friends who happened to be my friends too, such strong, carefree and happy-go-lucky group of boys, could even shed tears from their eyes which filled with such deep sadness and grief for her dead. It broke my heart to pieces.
Then I remember about the death of another friend of mine, not a very close one, but assuredly a very kind one, whom I get acquainted with at the middle of 2009 when we happened to be in the same division in a ‘penerimaan mahasiswa baru‘ event at our campus. We never talked much, never hanged around much, but one thing I remember most about her is that every time we meet, she always pinched me on the cheek quite hard while calling my name “Aleeeexxx” enthusiastically, and then hugged me. It’s… very sweet. She died from brain concussion, after earlier having a coma, because she fell from metromini when she went to meet her friends in a mall in Jakarta. One of her friends that she intended to meet is one of my very close friend. She died around June or July 2011. Her name is Ariyanni, Planologi ITB 2008.
Just few days ago, I had a chat with one of my best friend, talking about how death became so meaningful because it slowly happened to the people that we knew quite much. It’s not like I never experienced the death of my relatives, I had, the death of both of my grandmothers, my nanny who took care of me since I was a baby until I was in senior high school, my close aunt. It’s just at those time, death wasn’t seem to be that mysterious, that somewhat it was predictable. Someone’s getting old, sick, and then died just in time. Not when someone still got so much passion for their lives. Not when lot of people still hold a tight grip for their presence. Not to a person you just met a week ago, giving you a small cute cigarette she found accidentally with her usual smile. Not to a person who you failed to hang around with only two days before she went missing just because the aptness of time.
It would be too selfish not wanting to just let go, because I bet they’re more happy now for they had live a very good life where they succeeded to touch not only the superficial, but so many hearts. It reminded me how I’m still very far from perfect and how lucky I am to still have time to make my life more meaningful not just to me, but to everyone I hold dear. I hope my time is still much, and just enough.
Please rest in peace, Ari, Fanka, because you’ll be missed by many.
Back Into Time
Posted: November 11, 2011 Filed under: Heartbreak, The Life's Leave a comment »I am the kind of person who cherish love she had, so much. Maybe because all of this time, it is always hard for me to find one.
I am the kind of person who likes so many, but loves so little, for once I love, I always give it all. And this is a really bad habit. No need to mention that I am so demanding to the one that close to me due to excessive affection from my family and the fact that before I went to college I have never been in a relationship and never really know how it feels to depend my life to, you can say, a stranger. Which shocked me, when I finally found real love, that the one who says s/he loves you much is capable of hurting your feeling, intentionally.
Like, what the fuck? I loved unselfishly then he said he did do things to hurt my feelings while ahead of it he said love? It really makes me want to laugh until I cry (not sure whether the laugh or the cry that’s real). That is the point I remember where I started to confuse myself; the awareness has come to me, that I never had any clue about how real world and other people work, that being kind doesn’t mean that you’re perfect, and that when other people see your imperfection they take no toleration towards other things that matter to you. Though then I learned, he has been in a lot of relationship before me and has been hurt, and I pretty much could see why he couldn’t trust me completely although my intentions were pure. People are selfish and unkind when they know too much about too many things. And this horrible creäture is exactly what I’m turning into.
Some people praise me for my kindness, and as long as I remember it’s been there forever because all the goodness I see in my family and my really good school-environment. Really great friends there, I tell you. Of course, still there were problems, I hate people like normal person hates, and my family wasn’t as perfect as it is seen. But to those problems I could careless, I was carefree. But.. that was then.
These are now. I go crazy for small problems. I ignore my responsibilities at big thing for small things. I’m still trying hard to stay kind, but I trust less. I cry for pleasure because at this rate one can no longer feel full happiness. The worst, and I want to curse myself a lot for it, is I hate and I want to hurt, I only really care for myself. My ego, which back then I couldn’t see, is now as big as a planet. And the person whom I say I love isn’t an exceptional target.
I’m so ashamed of my weakness to get through things. I really was better off not moving outside my hometown, not knowing this much people and information. I’m so confused.
Stay With Me, Sanity
Posted: September 25, 2011 Filed under: Heartlock, Self-Sentiment, The Life's Leave a comment »I tend to think I deserve better.
I tend to forget what I’ve got.
I tend to want to have something else.
I tend to want to be someone else.
I tend to lose my senses.
I tend to lose self-control.
Then I always find out, that is not the way to live a life nice enough to retire from it faster.
If one should leave, thus it would leave.
If one should stay, thus it would stay.
I just want to live ’till I die, love ’till I dry.
With no exception for anyone, though my hope won’t die that you’ll always be my significant one.
I.. don’t want to want anything anymore.
Reboization
Posted: July 1, 2011 Filed under: Self-Sentiment, The Life's Leave a comment »Out of the blue I want to be as random as a school girl. As annoying. As carefree. As careless.
And I hope that my hair doesn’t look like a helmet. Weird. I never seem to mind.
S.O.S.
Posted: June 30, 2011 Filed under: Self-Sentiment, The Life's, Walking Dead Leave a comment »I’m amazed by life cruelty. By human being’s misdeed. By the confusion the life caused me. By the person I’ve become for the way life treated me.
Where the fuck I’ve been these last 19 years?
What the hell was I doing?
Who was I?
Who am I?
What is this all about?
It’s either I have really great parents or I’ve always been awfully naïve. But no, my family isn’t the greatest when I even hate one of them so much back then.
I don’t understand. I can’t understand a single bit of it. I don’t want to, ever.
Sidang Tugas Akhir
Posted: June 27, 2011 Filed under: Laugh at It!, The Life's Leave a comment »A sentence someone; who I don’t even know and who doesn’t even know me, but I’m pretty sure we recognize each other’s face and name; said, not directly, not very convincingly, but I’m pretty sure it’s pointed towards me, has struck my mind. I don’t think he meant to give me answers for all of my hatred, my insecurities, and the words were not even a nice thing to be said to a girl.
But it is the only thing that finally give me reason not to care,
to find my optimism back,
to have the courage to spit on someone’s eyes,
while I know,
I’m not even willing to stretch my face muscles only to spit on someone’s eyes,
it’s too tiring,
and I’m too busy living and loving.
Thank you very much, dear cute-bastard-whom-I-know-your-name-but-I’m-not-interested-in Sir. You’re my unsung hero (for at least these last few weeks).
Challenge Accepted
Posted: June 13, 2011 Filed under: Heartlock, Live Report, The Life's Leave a comment »So I had this conversation with my dear boyfriend couple days ago, about my future and his. I realized that all of these years that I’ve been living, no matter how much I ever felt alone, I always have people to take care of my life; be it parents, siblings, lovers, friends; that would never let me go astray, and the fact, that big possibility in a couple of years I should know how to live my life without anyone have to direct it, haunts me. It is scary enough because I don’t have that many plans or much obsessions about what I want to do for a lifetime. Even my plan to be settled is not very convincing anymore, for a failed love is not an impossible option.
I personally don’t think I’m that dependant; I’m able to take care of myself, emphasize, by force, without having the need to complain to the world; I’m just used to surrounded by people; though not that lot of people but still, significant enough; who always care (for this I feel damn blessed), that I cannot help but to have the concern of “how it feels like to have full control of my life.”
Nonetheless, it’s a huge challenge.
But it makes me feel thrilled more than ever.
Come, life, make my heart beats faster and faster until I have a heart attack, not a lung cancer.
Scrobbling Now from iMind
Posted: April 19, 2011 Filed under: Heartbreak, Heartlock, Technically, The Life's Leave a comment »From what I’ve been through, subjectively from my own experience, a nice long-term relationship resembles a more or less 10 minutes-long great track of a post-rock or progressive song.
When it starts, the feeling of curiosity and excitement appear, you know you’ll enjoy the song and want to be focus with it by just sitting still, closing eyes, and paying profound attention to any sound of instruments it makes. Time has passed, long enough you started to get bored, finally you stopped the profound attention, reduced its volume, trying to do another activities, while still listening to the song, like lighting up a fag or checking things around to see whether there’s something interesting going on, sounded a lot like taking it for granted. At almost the end of the song, you started to realize again you were listening to a very great piece of music and kind of turned down remembering you might miss some very great parts while doing another activity, and after that struck, didn’t want to waste more time, you’re paying more profound attention to the song, knowing that it soon will end.
As for song, when it ends, you will always able to repeat it, to find the parts that you missed, to appreciate it well.
But for relationship, or a person, to keep in mind that it is valuable is a must.
What if you realize the track is precious at the last 3 seconds, which not giving you any time to repent the lost attention?
What if when it ends then you just remember it was so great, but the file is corrupted and you cannot find the track anywhere else?
What if you’ve paid great attention to it from the first second to last-minute? Will it be a happy ending? Didn’t you get bored?
In any possible way, it will have to end. But for greatest pleasure, foolishly naïve though, it is always better to wanting to feel like you (or I?) never want it to end. Check. Unchecked. edited: All checked.
If Only I’m a Rich Girl
Posted: April 7, 2011 Filed under: Sandbox, The Life's Leave a comment »People are treasures; be it a family, friend, lover, role model, enemy (hoping don’t have any), fan (not sure having any), hater, or idol.
I want to have so many of them. So so many that my brain will explode while trying to remember them all at once.
They Say So